21 is the age I was when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time. I was scared..alone.. and embarking on the journey of single-mom-hood. 21 is the age I was when I awoke early in the morning on December 2nd 2004 with a really bad stomach-ache. 21 is the age I was 12hrs later when you took your first breath and I officially became a mother for the first time…You were so beautiful. So perfect. I was still scared, but I was so happy I chose to stay. Chose life. Chose us. I knew life was going to be hard for us, but I believed we could do it as long as we were together. I believed we’d be together….

21…

21 is the age you are supposed to be today…I don’t even know how to finish that thought to be honest..It wasn’t meant to be this way…You weren’t supposed to die before making it to the age I was when I had you. We were supposed to go out today and celebrate. We were supposed to go to a bar and take your “first” drink together and I was supposed to pretend you’d never had one before. It was supposed to be a celebration. Instead I’m mourning the fact that it has been 3 birthdays without you….and I just can’t. I can’t breathe. The weight on my chest is so heavy. The emptiness of you not at the table across from me is so palpable. It doesn’t get easier…To be honest it actually gets harder. Functioning gets easier…but when I think about you…that is always harder…the pain feels more intense…your silence more deafening….the time I have to exist without you, exponentially more difficult and lonely.

We are not the same without you Kate Enliyis. Me, Trinity, Matthew, and Wesley….we are not the same.. Your death has completely changed us. But we are also not the same because of you. Your life also completely changed us. And because of that despite how incredibly painful and gut-wrenching this day is I’m going to still try to celebrate you, because you still deserve celebrating. You were beautiful. You were hilarious. You were stubborn. You were opinionated. You were passionate and your voice could transform a room. I loved hearing you sing and how much heart you put into your music…you poured yourself into your songs the same way you poured yourself into your relationships. Everything you did you did with all of yourself. The world is changed because 21 years ago you entered it.. And heaven is rejoicing because you are there for the rest of eternity. I miss you beyond words, baby girl. Happy 21st Birthday. #Kate_Enliyis

Today my thoughts turn to you, my dear sweet Emma. Thoughts of wonderment. Who might you have been? Would you have loved music like Matthew and Kate? Would you have had Trinity’s amazing humor? Would you have loved building things like Wesley? Or would you have been completely different with some new passion I have yet to encounter… I hate that I will never know in this life who you would have been. In utero loss is painful but often a silent grief. Most people have no idea you are experiencing loss and even those that do sometimes don’t realize that it is still incredibly painful even though there was no physical baby in your arms. Many of my friends and family don’t even know that you exist in my world of grief and that I long for you on days like today…a day that 7 years ago was the day I found out I was carrying you. You were only with me a short time but my spirit still found your spirit and it longs for the day I get to see your face for the first time.

I haven’t written in years. There’s a reason for that. Life got messy. Really, really messy. I didn’t have time to focus on my thoughts about it because quite frankly I was too busy trying to survive it. I also didn’t know how to really put into words what was happening. I want to be real, honest, vulnerable in these posts but that is difficult to do when I also have to write about how other people’s lives and choices are affecting me. I struggle with how to be authentic with my feelings while also protecting their right to their own story and whether they even want it told . It’s a balance I didn’t feel like I could find while in the midst of it. In hindsight I wish I had written though because then there wouldn’t be so much “catching up” to do. In order to understand where I am now though one must know the journey that took me here. So I will do my best to go back and retell some of the story as best I can in subsequent posts.

So where am I now?

11 years ago today I embarked on a journey that has forever changed me…11 years ago today I married my best friend and the love of my life… 11 years ago today I promised to love him forever…11 years ago today I heard him promise the same to me and to my beautiful 4 year old daughter. 11 years ago today I was the happiest I had ever been…11 years ago today my life looked hopeful, exciting, and full of love. Continue reading “11 years ago today…” →

It’s been awhile since I have had the courage to write. Not because I’m scared of what I would say, but more because of how vulnerable I’d have to be with myself. My life has taken roads these last few months that I was confident a year ago I would never experience. Confidence is a funny thing. You can be absolutely sure of something and the whole time really have no idea if what you are confident of is actually true….or you are just lying to yourself unaware. At 36 I would have said I’ve experienced a lot, seen a lot, hurt a lot, and been tried a lot. But my whole life pales in comparison to the heartbreak, devastation, and monumental journey that is now in front of me. Continue reading “The hardest thing…” →

I am so excited. I can hardly think. I am currently on a journey of self exploration after 16 years of “dying to self” and “sacrificing myself for the Kingdom” God has me on a journey of discovering who I am. In the process he is redefining my understanding of “dying to self”. God never intended those verses to be used by modern men to abuse his beloved children. He never intended us to cease being individuals, people with passions and desires. He simply was asking if we would put him above our literal need for self preservation. When it came down to it would I choose him or my right to breathe? Man then used his words and twisted them to enslave me in a never ending cycle of killing my heart and my personality for the “sake of the kingdom”. God is restoring what one man had tried to destroy and is rekindling my heart and with it my passions. He has opened my eyes to a world that I had no idea i was a part of. I am an artist, a photographer and in 2 days I will have my very own, very first high-tech camera!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Not only that but starting tomorrow I will be taking a photography class at our local community college to learn how to use my new “toy”. This is literally a dream come true. I love pictures…I love taking pictures….and I am beyond excited to finally get to do something that brings my heart out so deeply. I am excited to see how this unlocks my inner person…Excited to see the world, my children, God’s creation through the eyes of my lenses and excited to attempt to capture that beauty as only I can see it so that I can share how I see the world with those around me. EEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!! Adventure awaits!

I have embarked on the terrifying, exciting, and liberating journey of being a Homeschool mom. Since I never do things the easy way I have also decided to embark on this journey with my very enjoyable, opinionated, talented, and fiercely stubborn 14yr old daughter. Yay!!! (Insert “what was I thinking” head shakes while jumping up and down excitedly)

One of my first tasks of being a home school mom is to find out my daughter (Kate’s) baseline. I don’t know what she needs to learn until I know what she has already learned.  I don’t know whether to be more amazed at what our fantastic public school systems have taught her or her unbelievably creative sense of humor. For example: Did you know that the capitol of Montana was Hannah? Or that the capitol of Ken-tucky was Barbie-tucky? Maryland was Divorceland, Illinois was Healthyinois, Pennsylvania was Markervania, and Idaho was Youdaho? Continue reading “A new Journey” →

I love winter. I love the first few snowfalls when the world transforms from a rainbow of color and rain to a winter wonderland. When the tree branches are covered with frosting and the birds that haven’t yet migrated are frolicking from branch to branch sending an avalanche of powdered sugar to the ground with each take off.

I love seeing my kids faces when they wake up and realize it snowed while they slept and hear their excited voices as the race through their morning routines so they can go outside and play. I love watching them discover new ways to make their sleds go faster or add an extra rush of adrenaline by attempting to “surf” rather than sled. I love seeing their rosy cheeks and their wet eyelashes as they come in from the cold and I love watching them melt from the warmth of their Hot cocoa as they sit and wait for the feeling to return to their fingers and toes. Continue reading “I love winter…” →

Webster defines chronic as being always present or occurring again and again. To me chronic is defined as a relentless, debilitating, endless, and invisible thief. Because to me, chronic is always followed by pain.

Pain is neither good nor bad. It is simply the body’s alarm system to trigger a responsive action. If you have a smoke alarm go off in your house it prompts you to investigate. Either it’s a change battery alarm or a genuine fire, both of which cause an action on your part. The body is the same way. You receive a signal that your foot is in pain which prompts you to investigate. Upon investigation you discover a rock is on your foot, you remove the rock and eventually the pain subsides.

Continue reading “The invisible thief” →

Two years ago today I was filled with joy and apprehension. Joy at seeing those two beautiful lines that told me after 5 long years I was finally pregnant with the baby I had been longing for. Apprehension because I didn’t know if Lane (my husband) would share in my joy as he had not wanted another and we had actually been trying NOT to get pregnant.

Continue reading “In loving memory of Emma Elaine Rose…” →