11 years ago today I embarked on a journey that has forever changed me…11 years ago today I married my best friend and the love of my life… 11 years ago today I promised to love him forever…11 years ago today I heard him promise the same to me and to my beautiful 4 year old daughter. 11 years ago today I was the happiest I had ever been…11 years ago today my life looked hopeful, exciting, and full of love. Continue reading “11 years ago today…”
The hardest thing…
It’s been awhile since I have had the courage to write. Not because I’m scared of what I would say, but more because of how vulnerable I’d have to be with myself. My life has taken roads these last few months that I was confident a year ago I would never experience. Confidence is a funny thing. You can be absolutely sure of something and the whole time really have no idea if what you are confident of is actually true….or you are just lying to yourself unaware. At 36 I would have said I’ve experienced a lot, seen a lot, hurt a lot, and been tried a lot. But my whole life pales in comparison to the heartbreak, devastation, and monumental journey that is now in front of me. Continue reading “The hardest thing…”
I am so excited. I can hardly think. I am currently on a journey of self exploration after 16 years of “dying to self” and “sacrificing myself for the Kingdom” God has me on a journey of discovering who I am. In the process he is redefining my understanding of “dying to self”. God never intended those verses to be used by modern men to abuse his beloved children. He never intended us to cease being individuals, people with passions and desires. He simply was asking if we would put him above our literal need for self preservation. When it came down to it would I choose him or my right to breathe? Man then used his words and twisted them to enslave me in a never ending cycle of killing my heart and my personality for the “sake of the kingdom”. God is restoring what one man had tried to destroy and is rekindling my heart and with it my passions. He has opened my eyes to a world that I had no idea i was a part of. I am an artist, a photographer and in 2 days I will have my very own, very first high-tech camera!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Not only that but starting tomorrow I will be taking a photography class at our local community college to learn how to use my new “toy”. This is literally a dream come true. I love pictures…I love taking pictures….and I am beyond excited to finally get to do something that brings my heart out so deeply. I am excited to see how this unlocks my inner person…Excited to see the world, my children, God’s creation through the eyes of my lenses and excited to attempt to capture that beauty as only I can see it so that I can share how I see the world with those around me. EEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!! Adventure awaits!
A new Journey
I have embarked on the terrifying, exciting, and liberating journey of being a Homeschool mom. Since I never do things the easy way I have also decided to embark on this journey with my very enjoyable, opinionated, talented, and fiercely stubborn 14yr old daughter. Yay!!! (Insert “what was I thinking” head shakes while jumping up and down excitedly)
One of my first tasks of being a home school mom is to find out my daughter (Kate’s) baseline. I don’t know what she needs to learn until I know what she has already learned. I don’t know whether to be more amazed at what our fantastic public school systems have taught her or her unbelievably creative sense of humor. For example: Did you know that the capitol of Montana was Hannah? Or that the capitol of Ken-tucky was Barbie-tucky? Maryland was Divorceland, Illinois was Healthyinois, Pennsylvania was Markervania, and Idaho was Youdaho? Continue reading “A new Journey”
I love winter…
I love winter. I love the first few snowfalls when the world transforms from a rainbow of color and rain to a winter wonderland. When the tree branches are covered with frosting and the birds that haven’t yet migrated are frolicking from branch to branch sending an avalanche of powdered sugar to the ground with each take off.
I love seeing my kids faces when they wake up and realize it snowed while they slept and hear their excited voices as the race through their morning routines so they can go outside and play. I love watching them discover new ways to make their sleds go faster or add an extra rush of adrenaline by attempting to “surf” rather than sled. I love seeing their rosy cheeks and their wet eyelashes as they come in from the cold and I love watching them melt from the warmth of their Hot cocoa as they sit and wait for the feeling to return to their fingers and toes. Continue reading “I love winter…”
The invisible thief
Webster defines chronic as being always present or occurring again and again. To me chronic is defined as a relentless, debilitating, endless, and invisible thief. Because to me, chronic is always followed by pain.
Pain is neither good nor bad. It is simply the body’s alarm system to trigger a responsive action. If you have a smoke alarm go off in your house it prompts you to investigate. Either it’s a change battery alarm or a genuine fire, both of which cause an action on your part. The body is the same way. You receive a signal that your foot is in pain which prompts you to investigate. Upon investigation you discover a rock is on your foot, you remove the rock and eventually the pain subsides.
In loving memory of Emma Elaine Rose…
Two years ago today I was filled with joy and apprehension. Joy at seeing those two beautiful lines that told me after 5 long years I was finally pregnant with the baby I had been longing for. Apprehension because I didn’t know if Lane (my husband) would share in my joy as he had not wanted another and we had actually been trying NOT to get pregnant.
The smell of rain…
I sincerely love the smell of the rain. I know I’m not actually smelling “rain” but rather the chemicals and oils given off by spores and plants as well as the ozone…But still it sounds prettier to say “the smell of rain” than “the smell of ozone and byproducts of living organisms”. There is something alluring about rain. Everything about it is wonderful to me. I love storms…big powerful scary storms filled with lots of thunder and lighting…small drizzles of rain that cast a gloominess into the whole day. I love it. All of it. The rain makes me want to drink coffee and read a book…or write a novel…I feel pensive when it rains.
Life is difficult….There’s no manual, no guidebook, no way to really know if you’re “getting it right”. Some days are harder than others to navigate…Today is one of those days. I woke up exhausted, with this pervasive cloud over my head that I can’t quite describe. At first it felt like melancholy…but I think despondent is more accurate…I’ve struggled all day to find the motivation to do anything really. The weight of life….questions that are unanswered….longing for something I can’t articulate….it all accumulates into this despondent cloud. The desire to allow the cloud to overwhelm me is great…almost as if it is calling to me, beckoning me to succumb to it. There are no verses, or prayers, or coping skills that seem to have enough power to make it go away…
The Journey Begins
I have wanted to start a blog for as long as I can remember. Writing has been in my blood since I was a little girl and ran the elementary school “newspaper”. I have always loved pondering, reflecting, creatively thinking….and putting those things on paper for someone else to read, ponder, and be inspired by. I have always, I mean ALWAYS hated editing and proof-reading. So while I LOVE to write, I care far more about getting my ideas out than I do making sure its in correct APA format. So if you cringe when you see grammatical errors, or incorrect uses of colons and quotation marks let me stop you right here and say, “You may want to read someone else’s blog.” But if you instead can look past run on sentences that start with a preposition, long winded writings that follow many tangents instead of an essay format, and the occasional misuse of punctuation…..then please stay and enjoy my ponderings with me, and I promise to do my best to keep these “crimes” to a minimum.