In loving memory of Emma Elaine Rose…

Two years ago today I was filled with joy and apprehension. Joy at seeing those two beautiful lines that told me after 5 long years I was finally pregnant with the baby I had been longing for. Apprehension because I didn’t know if Lane (my husband) would share in my joy as he had not wanted another and we had actually been trying NOT to get pregnant.

To my wonderful surprise both my husband and my other children were ecstatic over the fact that I was pregnant again. Over the next month I experienced the usual pregnancy symptoms as my body began to adjust to the new reality. Then I started spotting…

People told me not to worry as some spotting can be normal in pregnancy…but I knew it was not normal. Not for me…it didn’t feel right… But i wanted to believe it would be ok sooo badly. We went for an Ultrasound and after a few minutes the tech said she’d be right back. I didn’t even need to wait till the Dr. Came back in with her to know something was very wrong. I started crying immediately as my husband tried to reassure me. The Dr. came in and said they couldn’t find a baby but that maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought I was. He scheduled another Ultrasound in 2 weeks just to be sure.

I don’t think I have ever prayed so fervently as I did those two weeks. I was hoping desperately that God would spare our baby doing my best to have enough faith to believe he’d work a miracle. But somewhere deep down inside I knew that we had lost our baby, and it was confirmed at our two week follow up. I was devastated…I had longed for this child for so long…heart broken at the feeling this blessing had been stole from me….confused that God had gotten my hopes up only to let them get dashed to pieces…

My son Matthew took the news very hard as to him a baby represented finally getting to share his room with someone. His sensitive heart struggled to understand why God let it happened. I was unable to provide any answers to the questions his heart asked as they mirrored my own pain. My husband and I felt that it was important for us, but especially the kids to have something tangible to help us grieve…We have no proof, but we unanimously felt that our little baby had been a girl and decided to give her a name even though we had lost her so early. So together we named her Emma Elaine Rose.

Somehow having a name to put with an image of a face in my mind helped me say goodbye to her a little easier. She was no longer just an “nonviable fetus”. She was a person, a soul that I believed was in heaven. Sometimes I smile when I think “what if we are wrong and we get to heaven and meet our son, Emma?” but deep down it still feels right that we named her Emma.My sweet little Emma…

Some may say I’m over-reacting…we miscarried so early it shouldn’t be this traumatic….but it was…it is…a loss is still a loss regardless of how early or late the loss occurred. I still get a twinge of grief when I see little girls who would be the same age as Emma would be now…My arms still wish they could have held her…

But my grief is now bittersweet. Almost a year to the date that we found out we were pregnant with Emma we were delighted to discover I was pregnant again. The entire pregnancy was difficult and I was constantly pushing back fears that we would lose this baby too. I am painfully aware that had we not lost Emma…we would not have our beautiful little Wesley. He brings us such joy and his birth felt like a redemption of what I had lost. I am so thankful for him….

But today…today will always be in my mind “Emma’s Day”…the day I found out I was pregnant with her…Today my arms will always feel a little too empty….

Grief , I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with  no place to go. –Unknown