Despondent

Life is difficult….There’s no manual, no guidebook, no way to really know if you’re “getting it right”. Some days are harder than others to navigate…Today is one of those days. I woke up exhausted, with this pervasive cloud over my head that I can’t quite describe. At first it felt like melancholy…but I think despondent is more accurate…I’ve struggled all day to find the motivation to do anything really. The weight of life….questions that are unanswered….longing for something I can’t articulate….it all accumulates into this despondent cloud. The desire to allow the cloud to overwhelm me is great…almost as if it is calling to me, beckoning me to succumb to it. There are no verses, or prayers, or coping skills that seem to have enough power to make it go away…

Then from somewhere deep inside I am reminded of a song from my childhood. The lyrics go like this.

Now old Mr. Johnson had troubles of his own
He had a yellow cat that wouldn’t leave his home
He tried and he tried to get that cat away
Gave it to a man going far away

But the cat came back, the very next day
The cat came back, they thought he was a goner
But the cat came back, just wouldn’t stay away

Now the man around the corner swore he’d kill the cat on sight
He loaded up his shotgun with nails and dynamites
He waited and he waited for the cat to come around
Ninety-seven pieces of the man is all they found

But the cat came back, the very next day
The cat came back, they thought he was a goner
But the cat came back, just wouldn’t stay away

The song goes on and on but the theme remains the same…the harder the man tried to get rid of the cat the more persistently the cat stayed.  I think sometimes moods are the same way. The harder I try to make the mood change or go away the more pervasive it becomes.  But if instead I do my best to ignore it, to go about my day doing only what is necessary for that day…often times I wake up tomorrow feeling different. And if there was anything legitimate in what had been stirring inside the day before I am now in a much better position to think about and ponder it then when I was underneath it.

I’m not proposing one ignore their problems all the time…Only suggesting that when the “problem” is a vast cloud that is difficult to articulate, seems to come out of nowhere, and is paralyzingly difficult to navigate the best course of action may be to wait until the front blows over…Even as I write this blog I can feel the cloud lifting slightly…

“Darkness is fueled by the attention given it as one must turn off their own light to look at it.” – Stacylyn Buckingham