Emma’s Day

Today my thoughts turn to you, my dear sweet Emma. Thoughts of wonderment. Who might you have been? Would you have loved music like Matthew and Kate? Would you have had Trinity’s amazing humor? Would you have loved building things like Wesley? Or would you have been completely different with some new passion I have yet to encounter… I hate that I will never know in this life who you would have been. In utero loss is painful but often a silent grief. Most people have no idea you are experiencing loss and even those that do sometimes don’t realize that it is still incredibly painful even though there was no physical baby in your arms. Many of my friends and family don’t even know that you exist in my world of grief and that I long for you on days like today…a day that 7 years ago was the day I found out I was carrying you. You were only with me a short time but my spirit still found your spirit and it longs for the day I get to see your face for the first time.

I was thinking of you today and for the first time I felt thankful you were not alone. To know that she is with you in heaven now brought me so much comfort. For so long you have been alone and I was unable to comfort or hold you. I felt so much warmth knowing this is the first “Emma’s Day” where you will have family with you. Holding you, loving you…You will never ever be alone again…

And as I was thinking this thought another thought came crashing through my mind shattering my very concept of you in heaven. For 7 years you have been my precious baby…alone.. waiting for me to come to you. My grief was all about missing you and wishing you could be here…. And in one split second I realized you have never been alone. You have never been sad. You have never felt the loss I feel. She is not with you to bring you comfort. I am the only one in need of comfort. You two have been together and happy and at peace and comforted this entire time. And suddenly I was incredibly aware that I have no idea how wonderful heaven is.

Heaven is a fable…a far away place that exists in my mind only because I believe in God. It isn’t tangible. It isn’t incredible. It isn’t void of pain or fears or loneliness. It isn’t the entire climax of our existence….Its the place you go when you’re gone. Gone is the key word in my concept of heaven.. But today is the day I realized I have it all backwards. My mind feels as though it has hit a critical dilemma it doesn’t know how to compute through. I find that ironic as well that I have been trying to understand death, grief, heaven with my mind instead of my spirit. I am eagerly anxious to see how this new revelation continues to unfold and transform my way of thinking and hopefully my existence. For the first time I will fall asleep tonight longing to be with you instead of longing for you to be with me….